First few days

Samuel with his cpap machine

I'm not going to lie- being in the postpartum room in the hospital without your baby is tough. Your body physically and emotionally ache to have your newborn baby close to you. You have been physically "one" for months, and now are forced to be apart. The only solace is knowing your baby is being cared for in a way you couldn't. I wished I could have healed his lungs just by holding him, but I knew I couldn't. They had to bring him from the special care nursery to the NICU because of his lungs. The first time I saw him he sounded like a little chipmunk, wheezing and breathing super fast. He needed some oxygen therapy on a cpap machine in the NICU. I was told it would be a few days. The short hallway to children's hospital from my room felt like miles. I would trudge my postpartum body up to the NICU several times a day. At the beginning just to look at him. Then I finally was allowed to hold him. I never wanted it to end. I could hold him forever! 

Then it became harder....I was being discharged from the hospital while Samuel had to stay put. The morning of my discharge, I had spent hours holding Samuel. Time stood still. I heard my phone ring and ding and ignored it. I didn't want to leave, but I managed to say my goodbyes through some sniffles. As soon as I exited the NICU with empty arms, I broke down. Tony and Isaac were there as I got my things together. Isaac asked why I was crying. Tony told him I was sad to leave Samuel. I tried to be strong for Isaac, but found it very difficult. Tony pulled the car around and the tears kept coming. I was packing up my minivan without my newborn baby. It didn't feel right. "I'll follow the sun" by the Beatles was playing as I got in. "And now the time has come, and so my love I must go".... Those lyrics stung as we drove away...

We got home and I yearned to be back with Samuel. But I knew my family at home needed me too. We all picked up Alexander from school, which he loved! I was in a fog, though. Physically, I felt fine from the childbirth. But I was constantly thinking about Samuel. Counting the hours and minutes til I could see him again.